When Your Best Isn't Enough - Part 2

Last week I shared with you the first of two posts about a project that didn't go the way I would have ever expected. Today, I bring the second and final installment in the tale. If you missed the first post, this work is from 2012, when I was accepting any and all work to see if I could leave my day job and work full time in the gaming industry. These designs were for a video game that has since come and gone, and none of the work I produced made it into the game - as far as I can tell. In the first post, I shared the many downs and a couple ups that came with designing and finishing the first monster I was assigned. I bring you the second monster today.

As mentioned in my first post, I quickly felt out of my element on this project, and my years of experience felt useless to me. I felt lost on a project making monsters. Not the best place to find myself. As I got started, I did feel some confidence returning. I successfully completed the first monster, or at least I thought I had successfully completed it. I didn't learn that it was reworked by another artist until later. With this second monster, I was switching which roll it played in the game and the environment it represented. I got to work on some thumbnail silhouettes.

Phase 1 thumbnail silhouettes

The thumbnail phase for this monster went a lot smoother and quicker, which gave me a false sense of accomplishment and confidence. One of the thumbnails was picked as my starting point, I was given some notes, and it was decided that the animation skeleton for another similar monster would be used on the one I was beginning to design. This did limit me to some extent. I had to keep legs and other anatomy in set locations for the established animation skeleton to work. Even so, having a set framework to work around did allow me to not worry about some of the design. Legs had to be where the legs were, etc. Here are the first explorations into this monster.

Concept pass 1 and 2

From the beginning, I thought this one was proceeding very well, and as with the first monster, I truly felt that at any point, I was almost to the point of being approved. As before, at every stage, I was shown to be wrong as the design would give way to more and more iterations and changes. One of my first versions was selected, and I was asked to rework the head and only the head. I felt that things were proceeding much better this time around. Here is the head update.

Concept pass 3

The head was still not working, but apparently, everything else was. I was asked to do some head variations to explore what other options I could generate. This kind of stuff is fun to me. Drilling down to make one aspect as good as it can be. I used what I thought to be the approved body to influence and dictate the shape and kind of head this creature would have. There are several of these that I like, but sadly, this monster only has one head.

Head variations set 1 and 2

As I recall, and from what I can tell from these drawings is that the very last head option that I created was selected. When I thought we were getting somewhere with the design, I was asked to go back in and simplify and rework the spikes and spines on the monster's back.

Spike simplification

As soon as the spikes were addressed, I was asked more head variations. This is at the point where I was beginning to worry. I thought I had a locked-in body and was working on the head. Then the head was selected only for me to start work again on the body. Once the body was chosen again, now more work on the head. I will be honest, the final head selected was one of my least liked. I know you should never submit anything you are not happy with or would want to work on, but in the process of exploring iterations and versions, not all of them are going to be as successful. At the end of the day, for me, one of the less successful options won the day.

Head variations set 3

As soon as the head was established again, I was asked to rework the body again. It was decided that the organ or whatever those round things are that hold water shouldn't be on the outside of the shell, and I needed to work up a design with them under the shell. I got to work on doing that with the newly selected head.

Body rework pass 1

I remember these new versions not being well received. The last request broke the look and feel of the creature that was established early on. You usually can't make a massive change like that without doing some significant modification. And that was what I was then asked to do. I needed to go back in and rework the entire body/shell aspect of this creature. Keep in mind I was also still having to design around the established animation skeleton from another monster. I tried my best to make something work.

Body rework pass2

None of these hit the mark. I was having the worst feeling of deja vu at this point. What at first felt like a better, more successful start to the design has now begun to spiral out of control. And yes, again, I do know that I am designing and not illustrating. I am exploring all options in a design, and I will likely have way more misses than hits and will probably find myself at deadends. My issue is that I was getting the impression that things were working and that I was moving in the right direction, only to be told to start over. Again. I was asked to drop the water pods and give the entire piece a new start.

Body rework pass3

Working with the head they liked, the animation skeleton that I couldn't deviate from, and the three or four spikes on the shell, I produced a bunch more concepts. I think some of these are really working and would make for a cool monster. 

This is at the point I was asked to leave the project. I will never know why this particular time was when it happened, but there was a part of me that knew it was inevitable. I would be lying if I told you I was not relieved that I was no longer working on the project. It was not fun and only caused me stress and anxiety. This project made me feel like a bad artist. I did get paid for my time, but that time resulted in nothing useful to the game. 

Needless to say, I never quit my day job. Good thing, too, with all that has been happening these past two years. Global pandemics aside, if I had left my day job, the likelihood of The Grand Bazaar of Ethra VanDalia getting published would have been next to zero. It all works out one way or another. I wish that this project didn't leave me feeling like a failure, but not ever endevor can be sucessful. I had to spend the next nine years learning from this experience and putting that knoweldge to good use elsewhere. One day I hope to see my work in a video game, but for now, that day is a long way off.

That's all for another exciting Wednesday on the blog. See you back here on Friday! Until then... 

For more samples of my work or to contact me regarding my availability, head over to my website: www.christopherburdett.com

When Your Best Isn't Enough - Part 1

This is the first of two posts sharing work that has never seen the light of day. The work was for a video game I worked on in 2012 and involves extensive concept and design work for two creatures. For a long time, I wondered if I would ever share any of this work. One of the main reasons for not sharing the work being that this project didn't go well for me and ended up squarely in the fail column. Another reason I never shared the work was that I believed the work was never used, and I no longer knew who to reach out to to secure permission. The game sessed operations in 2017, and about that time, I received a somewhat cryptic email stating that all NDAs were lifted. That covers my secondary concerns. Getting over the fact that I feel like this was a failure was another thing entirely. Needless to say, I now look at this as a learning experience, and that is why I am here sharing the work finally. 

I think some backstory would be in order to put this work, and my performance on it, in context. While 2012 feels like a long time ago, it doesn't feel more than a year or two ago. Around 2011/2012, I was seriously considering going full-time freelance with my art. I was receiving more and more offers for work, and the work was increasing in notoriety and pay. In an attempt to see if I could successfully transition away from my day job, I was taking more and more work to see what it would take to make it work financially. For about a year, I worked day and night on various projects and my day job to make it work. If it was offered to me, I said yes. This was one of those projects. Designing monsters for a video game has been a dream of mine and one that, even to this day, has never fully worked out. I have made art for several video games, and every single project has either never made it release, or the work was never used. 

I will not mention the game, the studio, or who I worked with on this project. At this point, it is not relevant. I am focusing on my work and how it didn't hit the mark.

I was brought on to design some support creatures. The style guide was thorough, and I had a lot to go through. If I remember correctly, we could pick the type of support creatures and the environment they go in. That said, they needed specific creatures as well. I wanted to do something for the swampy environment and got to work on some thumbnail silhouettes.

Phase 1 thumbnail silhouettes

 

More phase 1 thumbnail silhouettes

Right out of the gate, I apparently looked at the wrong stuff in the style guide and misunderstood what they wanted from me. I thought I was working on some of the crazy cool monsters in the style guide when I was supposed to be making more mundane but weird animals. I needed to reign things in a lot. I remember feeling so overwhelmed and out of my depth while working on these pieces. I had taken on too much work, and it left me with little time to devote to any given project. It also was effecting my creativity and motivation. I recall really stressing out about these concepts. I was not happy with any of them, and I didn't have any good ideas. Me, the guy that loves drawing monsters. Here was the second round of thumbnail silhouettes that I submitted.

Phase 2 thumbnail silhouettes

These were better received, but not by much. As I mentioned, I was having considerable trouble finding my way with these and coming up with ideas. When I looked at all this again to make these images for this post, my mind was full of ideas and options that never occurred to me at the time. I attribute this to two things, one - I have nine more years of experience under my belt, and two - I am not under pressure and deadlines as I was then, and I have space and mental room to concept and create. If I could redo this over now, it might have all turned out differently, maybe. The center thumbnail was picked, and I got to work on a weird possum creature.

Concept pass 1 and 2

While there are many images here, this was just the tip of the iceberg that went into this design. Copious notes were coming from the art director/lead designer that included draw overs, reference, and general suggestions. The game had a very distinct visual style, and at the time, it was a chore to stick to it. Especially when the style seemed to change from one iteration of my designs to the next.

Concept pass 3 and 4

I felt things getting out of control early on and was beginning to doubt myself. While this has happened previously in my career, there didn't seem to be a point where I felt like I was 'getting it.' That I was beginning to understand it all better. Every single drawing I did was not correct and needed revisions. I know that I am doing concept work and that there would be iterations and failed directions, but each pass was received as if I was getting very close to the end, and then I would be given notes and suggestions to take it in a new or different direction.

Concept pass 5

Some of these versions might seem very similar, but they were involved updates and changes trying to hit a target I could not see. At this point, I still liked what I was making, but I felt no closer to the unseen goal of a successful creature. I was implementing every bit of feedback that I was receiving, and with each pass, I felt more and more like a pair of hands doing someone else's work.

Concept pass 6

At this point, I feel like I lost any connection with the work. While I had been working on this cool possum monster with a club tail, the feedback and directions kept taking me further and further away until the creature became a giant fat rat monster.

Concept pass 7 and 8

Even at this phase, I was being corrected on nearly every mark I would make. Every angle, turn, curve, and line was not correct. It needed to be more dynamic, or angled, or convex, or concave. I was worried that I had made a terrible mistake in taking on the job. I was afraid that I was jeopardizing my career. I was concerned that I was not a good artist or designer. I was literally concerned while working on these designs that I was not a monster maker, and I was not cut out for this work. And yet, things continued.

Concept pass 9

More and more feedback came to me, and I implemented it all. Version after version. I have no memories of putting any of myself into these at this point. I was simply doing as I was asked. You might be wondering how things got so bad so quickly. The issue was that this didn't happen quickly and there was so much happening beyond these drawings. As I mentioned before, there were scores of emails, draw overs, notes, revisions, and work happening in between these official stages. And from thumbnails to final render, it was at or just over twenty days worth of work. I doesn't take me twenty days to complete a painting, but here I am, working on a single concept for that long. This was unheard of to me at the time, and it hasn't been repeated beyond this project. And yet, the work goes on.

Concept pass 10 and 11

Finally, things were getting to the point that the folks I was working with were happy with what I was doing. I finally had a creature profile that they were approving. Looking back now, I am not sure I should use the word happy or approved. They accepted it, and I could take it to the next stage.

Concept pass 12

While some of the final designs were in color, many were black and white renders to give the modelers an idea of what they needed to make. I was finally feeling a little better. I was at a point I could sit back and finalize the concept and put it to bed. I got to work on rendering, something I had plenty of experience with and it is straightforward for me.

Render pass 1

Even the rendering didn't pass without revisions. It was felt that the render was too dark, and I had to lighten the entire piece and make additional updates. Once that was accomplished, the piece was marked approved and accepted, and I turned it in. For some reason, I even accepted a second assignment, and that will be covered in part two next week. Here is the final render for the possum rat monster.

Render pass 2 and final?

There is no point trying to hunt this down in a game. Even though it was approved and I was paid, I know that another artist was brought in, and they completely redid this piece with my version as a starting point. It went in a totally different and cool direction. One that I would have gladly taken it if I hadn't had my drive and motivation crushed with nearly three weeks of revision grind. I am not blaming anyone but myself, but it all didn't go well, even from the beginning, and I had another creature to design after this.

That's all for another exciting Wednesday on the blog. See you back here on Friday! Until then... 

For more samples of my work or to contact me regarding my availability, head over to my website: www.christopherburdett.com

2012 - Practicing what I Preach

Another year has come and gone and hopefully we are all better for it. It has been an interesting year for me to say the least and it has not been all good, nor has it been all bad. It has been life. I hope I learned as much as I could from the crazy ups and downs. I now have to get all my thoughts together and find the nuggets of wisdom that have been sifted from the comings and goings of my day to day life. Not always an easy job, but it does help me put into perspective for myself the year that was and figure out what I want to do with the year ahead. This is my fourth time doing this on the blog and it has not gotten any easier, but I feel it is an impotent part of this journey I am taking with the blog. If you missed any of my previous posts you can read them here: 2009 Part 1 & Part 2, 2010, and 2011.

Do as I say, not as I do.

I tired really hard this year to follow my own advice from previous years and to practice what I preach. This has not been easy, but I think it has allowed me to move in the right direction in regards to my career. Maintaining the philosophy of making the work for myself and not just for the client has been a big part of this years efforts. While fulfilling the needs of the project I try to make each piece into something I REALLY want to work on and not simply a job. I think my work for Fantasy Flight this year best sums up these efforts. While I can't share all that I have done yet, I can talk about the Smaug pieces I did for the LoTR card game…

The Burning of Lake-Town #1 (Smaug the Terrible)

© 2012 Fantasy Flight Games

As you can clearly see the image used on the cards is just part of the image that I created. Given the option, I don't like composing to a square, and these cards are pretty much square compositions. A nice long rectangle on the other hand is an area I really like to compose in. Once I have the rectangular composition locked down I can easily (most of the time) pull a square selection out that will provide a serviceable piece for the client. The client is completely aware of this from the beginning and I provide them with the entire piece, not just the cropped down section intended for use. This has led to the work being used in promotional materials and in one occasion a piece of the larger paining was used to make an additional card.

The Burning of Lake-Town #2 (Smaug the Magnificent)

© 2012 Fantasy Flight Games

Why do this? Why make the additional work and effort for myself? I do this because the piece becomes mine, I am invested and take personal ownership of it. As a professional artist I already maintain a level of quality for ALL my assignments, but by making it MINE, I find myself going that extra mile, putting that extra amount of time and effort into it. I am happy, the client is happy, and now I have something more in the end then just an image I made for a card. Instead of just an assignment I now have a potential print for conventions, a more interesting piece for the blog and online galleries, or even a possible portfolio piece. But most of all, I have something I believe in and stand behind and hopefully will be a representation of my current level of craft and skill. 

The Burning of Lake-Town #3 (Smaug the Mighty)

© 2012 Fantasy Flight Games

Not every assignment is suitable for these extra efforts. If a license on a project bans prints, well, no need to make the image bigger and extended, but I still put all the effort and time into the piece. I just make sure I ask for Trandosians, and that is reason enough to put the extra amount of time and love into a piece. …but I digress. There are a dozen reasons to not go that extra mile, buy there are twice as many reasons to go that extra mile. You have to figure out what those reasons are for yourself and decide if it is worth it. It has taken me a long time to realize that I needed to do this and to figure out what my reasons to do it are.


Managing the roller coaster of ups and downs.

First and foremost, I have nothing to complain about. Some of the events of my life and career have come to me easily and others have taken a lot of time and effort. This is the way of things. I count my blessings and know that there will always be others that are not as fortunate as I am or others who have a boon of fortune a hundred times more then mine. All I can do is work as hard as hard I can and hope I make the right decisions. All this aside, it does not make the sting of perceived or actual failure any less painful or temper the peaks of joy when things work out. We are all human and experience the world in our own personally singular way. I just want to be able to hold tight to a stabilizing amount of objectivity and humbleness. Hopefully this will soften the pains of the lows and make the highs that much more sweet and special. 

The always helpful Yoda...

I wrote at length earlier in the year about feeling like a failure. No need to cover old ground, but I had a series of bumps that all came close together from all different directions. Some have played out to be as I expected and others I have since been able to rectify and redeem. As the rest of the year played out I have had some really exciting things happen (sadly none of which I can talk about yet) and I have had some additional hard stumbles. It has yet to be seen if these are actual stumbles, but they hurt like they are and I just have to learn to roll with it. I guess that gets to the point… I need to learn to roll with it better… I am not sure this is something anyone ever learns, but as long I am trying to do it better and trying to stay objective I can count myself lucky.

Be it human nature, the fact we are our own worse critic, or just crumby biochemistry I find it hard not to dwell on the failure (perceived or actual) even while awesome things are happening all around. When I find a way of packaging and selling a foolproof solution to this I will retire and draw my own monsters to my hearts content. Until then, I will put one foot in front of the other and try to stay as positive as I can about all this. Then again, this might be the very thing that makes us push ourselves to the next level and the thing that results in some of us being artists while others not. If it was easy they would not call it work! I just wish the bumps, dips, and low spots didn't hurt so much and that I didn't take it so personally. It is my own fault I see making monsters as a real and tangible extension of who I am and what I do… I started this whole post out on ways that I make it more of an extension.

Okay, this seems to have gotten more complex the more I think and write about it. In the end my words of advice are… There will always be people better and worse off then you and in turn, there will always be artists "better" and "worse" then you AND this does change depending on your time and effort. Yes, the failures hurt, I know this all too well, but it is how we deal with the failures of life that best define our character and who we are. No matter what, this too will pass, it might take a lot of time and effort, but it will pass and the dark cloud can not stay forever… unless we allow them to. Lastly, hold onto your successes! They are not the sum of who you are but they should be a rock of stability in the dark times.

…now I just have to remember these words and remind myself of them.


Getting serious never stops.

The term "getting serious" comes from a life drawing/painting group I was part of. When the host would announce that there was ten minutes left to the long poses someone would respond with, "time to get serious". Eventually, there was an additional response of, "you should ALWAYS be serious". This has stuck with me and has been the reason I have continued this theme on the blog. I have had some very poignant and distinct moments in my art career where I have had to "get serious". When the dust clears on these moments I have been left with the feeling of "why was I not doing these things already?" "why was I not already taking my career this seriously?". The reasons why are less of the issue, the fact that I could now see a better path is the issue. "Getting serious" is not one single thing and it takes a lot of time and effort. Hopefully by reading my year end post and following the blog you will see my journey in "seriousness", because I am not sure if it can be simply and quickly summed up… but I will try.

For me, a lot of "getting serious" has to do with getting smarter, seeing better, taking chances, and embracing new opportunities. I talked about a lot of this during my lecture that I hosted with Jon Schindehette at Illuxcon in November. Not only did I (and we) talk about these topics but hosting the panel is actually a part of "getting serious". I was taking chances and embracing something new. I put a lot out there and shared a lot of my ups and downs from my early days of making art during the panel and it could have all gone wrong, but I feel it turned out amazingly and I am still so incredibly grateful to have had Jon's input and presence there during the panel.

Panel buddies. One of highlights of 2012!

Getting smarter: Use your brain, stupid. Need I say more? Yes, yes I should… In every since of the phrase I had to start being smarter about making my art. I needed to look at what others were doing that was successful and learn how to implement it into my own work flow. I have said it over and over and over and over and over and over again, one of the most important things I did was START USING REFERENCE. This and this alone was a key point of getting smarter. Getting past all the baggage and garbage I believed and was fed that to be a real artist it had to all come from your head and that using reference was cheating. I got smart and started looking beyond myself. I also started looking for help from other artist on how to make my work better. Imagine that, ask someone who has already traveled the path you want to take and see what they have done that made the journey easier or harder. I also started attending, and will continue to attend, educational events like the Illustration Master Class and Illuxcon to look, listen, and learn.

Seeing better: Seeing better and getting smarter really go hand in hand and play off each other. During the Illuxcon panel I was asked what I felt was the most important skill to learn as an artist and I answered, "the ability to see". When you learn to really see what you are looking at the door to advancement and learning fly open. You can look at something all day long, but until you actually SEE it you are wasting your time. This might all sound weird and ethereal, but it all became clear to me after some rather harsh critiques and the repeated advice for me to start using reference… and the first thought after each critique was that I HAD been using reference. I was using it, but I was not SEEING it. I was not actually seeing the forms, shapes, details, and all the yummy information just waiting to be used in the reference… I was… I was… I have no idea what I WAS doing, because now I am smarter and can better see what I am looking at. Now that I have a better understanding it is hard to remember what I was doing before. I find that something I will still be lazy about something early on in a piece and catch myself later and curse the fact I had not been paying enough attention. The ability to see better has taken me a long time to hone and build upon, but it has been THE MOST important skill I have added to my skill set.

Taking chances and embracing new opportunities: These two are very much linked and tied into everything else I have talked about in this post. We are not going to succeed or fail without taking chances. You want to make something your own, well, you will need to embrace the opportunities provided and take a chance to make something better. We each have our own areas where we can take chances. New opportunities are presented to us all the time, we just need to be able to see them. Getting smarter and seeing better helped me begin to improve my skill set to "get serious", but it is taking chances and embracing new opportunities that has allowed me to actively engage the concept and reality of "getting serious". I have been a working artist for awhile now, but 2012 was a year of many 'firsts' for me. I had to take some chances and I had to grab the opportunities when they were presented themselves. While I was extremely pleases with my efforts, they were not all successes and they didn't all work out just the way I had imagined... but if I didn't try I would have nothing but failure. A year ago I made my first traditional painting and in the last few days I have completed my first traditional paining for a client. This was something I insisted to myself and others was something that was a long ways off, something that was not going to happen anytime soon… well, the opportunity came up and I took a chance. This could be a huge failure or it may be the first small success in what will hopefully be a series of successes, only time will tell. But the one thing I know for sure it that I am SERIOUS about what I am doing and I am giving it my all.

 Bugbear / Chimera / Deep One

9 x 12 - Acrylic on board

© 2012 Christopher Burdett

Wrapping it all up…

More and more I keep coming back to the same questions when I think about making art and my career as an artist… Why am I doing this? Would I have begun this journey if I knew then what I know now? These questions and their answers define current actions and help shape my future actions. Their answers are not something I can share because the answers are constantly changing. BUT, I can say they are shaped and affected by everything I have talked about thus far. More and more I have come to the realization that making art… even just making monsters is a lot more then just making drawing and painting monsters. It is a personal and unique journey that can be as simple or as complex as the creator wants to make it. The path you take in your own journey is dependent on your choices and your efforts along the way. You can decide to ignore all opportunities and forgo the difficult work of self improvement and your path will lead you in one direction or you can sacrifice almost everything and spend years and years of toil and effort to improve and your path will take you somewhere else. None of this is easy and it all takes hard work and effort. All this becomes clearer to me each year as I get a little further along my path. You just need to make sure you are on the right path for you and that you have the ability to change your path to make sure you are heading in the right direction on your journey.

If you have any questions or would like me to clarify anything, let me know. I hope my ramblings have been helpful, useful or at least mildly amusing. I hope 2012 was a good year for you and here's to 2013 being even better! Now, let's get to work!

For more samples of my work or to contact me regarding my availability head over to my website: www.christopherburdett.com

This is why I fail… or, I really need to shut up, get back to work, and stop thinking so much.

First off, some disclaimers before I start this post…

1) I am not looking for sympathy or the approval of others with this post.

2) I have a great set of regular clients that give me exciting challenging work, so I really have nothing to complain about.

3) If you are reading this and you think I am referring to a time in which I worked with you… please understand I am trying my best to improve and learn so that the next time around there will be a more satisfactory conclusion and I mean no disrespect or blame to you.

4) I am writing this because I think we all stumble, misstep, and make mistakes along the way and not all are by our own doing, we just need to learn from them and learn how to accept what happens.

5) These events I am about to describe are EXTREMELY ATYPICAL for me. The fact that one, let alone several transpired is the main reason I am writing this post. I try to be very up front and frank here on the blog about my personal journey as a working illustrator and I wanted to share this aspect of it. Anyone looking to employ me should not look at this as a warning of possible out comes, this is hopefully a learning tool.

With that said… man, do I really feel like a failure lately. Why you might ask? Well, since January I have been taking a lot of risks by trying new things and sometimes when you try new things they don't always turn out the way you want them to. While I can't talk about too many of the details, I can talk about how I feel and how I am trying to learn the most about these experiences. Ultimately, I feel an actual failure is an event you do not learn from… and I am trying my best to learn all I can from the ups and downs of the last four months. Usually this is the kind of thing I would save for my end of the year post, but so much has happen and it is all so fresh, I wanted to write about it now. I stand behind the idiom of 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' and if you don't take risk, putting yourself in a position to fail, you can't hope to accomplish new things, reach that next level, and complete that life long goal. Being an artist is really nothing but a long series of risks… you risk out right rejection, you risk failure, and you risk not being able to express your inner voice with your current skill level. But here we all are, risking away, hoping that we succeed…

Thanks, Yoda!

The long and the short of it is that I concluded working with several clients this year in manors that I found less then satisfactory. Is some of this as a result of my actions? Most definitely. Are all of these events my fault? I am not sure, they sometimes feel that way. Several of these clients were new and the work was a little outside my typical fair. They were all still monsters though, just more concept oriented rather then illustration. Was this my first mistake? I got my start working as a concept artist and I still do tons on miniature concept designs and I have to design new monsters for illustrations all the time. That said, it really all started with me saying a single word… "NO".

I was gearing up with a new client, a lot of paperwork and contracts. A protracted lead up to actually getting started on the art and by the time it actually got to that point I was REALLY uncomfortable at the whole situation. Was it a communication issue? Was I getting cold feet because I had to wait so long to get started? Was the project just not really suited for me? When it was all said and done I had to walk away from the project, I had to say 'NO' and thank them for their time. Everything just didn't feel right and I was a little (a lot) uncomfortable about several of the key aspects that had developed in regards to project. Did I make the right decision? MOST DEFINITELY. Do I feel good about doing what I did? No. I acted as professionally as I could and it was a really exciting project, but I felt it all just got 'weird'. I knew I could not, in good conscience, move forward with the project and do the best job that I could. It made me feel like complete crap though. It was a couple months of lead up time and effort and then *poof* it was all gone. Is this my fault? Is there any fault to be placed? Or is this one of those things that will eventually happen and I need to accept it and move on. I will say that I completely stand by my decision today, still don't feel any better about it.

Following this set back, I geared up on anther exciting new project with a new client. A lot to take in, a lot to get familiar with, and a lot to adapt to. I thought I did the best I could at the time. It was a great deal to absorb and a little (a lot) overwhelming at times. I did have to conform to a style guide, but this was not my first time doing so and I bet it won't be my last time doing so. Work moved forward and things felt good for the most part… like I said, a little overwhelming and a little frustrating at times but these things happen, not all projects are sunshine and puppies (metaphorically speaking). The whole thing felt similar to when I first started in the gaming industry working on Dreamblade. Since it was a similar feeling and situation, I stayed optimistic. While I was waiting on some feedback I received an unexpected email… the project was being shuffled a bit and my involvement was no longer needed due to several new constraints. My time on the project would be compensated and I was thanked for my time and effort. I am familiar with being laid off due to projects coming to an end or being cancelled mid stream, happened plenty of times in LA and not every game I have worked on saw the light of day. But this felt different. Did I just get fired? And was it because I was not up to the task? Was I… a bad artist? There were a lot of signs that point to no on all accounts… but this feeling in my gut says yes. The fact that I keep thinking and over thinking about it is not helping my view of what transpired. No matter the reasons… these things happen, and I need to be ready for them.

Quick on the heels of this set back, I did some work with a client I have previously worked with. I have not done a lot of work for them, but I have several assignments under my belt. In fact, I feel that my last assignment with them came out really well. When this current assignment was all said and done… well, it didn't feel too amazing. Not really sure what transpired, but it felt like I dropped the ball and I am not sure when and how it happened. The work was approved and accepted… but something just felt off about everything at the end. My gut told me I would never be working with them again. Not the kind of thing my gut usually tells me, but it sure felt right in this situation. Again, I could be totally over thinking this and I could be completely wrong… but I have been doing this for a while and I would like to think I am able to read a situation objectively. I will admit I have been in the situation were the work I turned in was not up to the level it needed to be, due to my own skill level at the time and because I psyched myself out from over thinking. Thankfully this has not happened in many years. But I have been there, I have had it happen… but I was a much less experienced artist at the time. Only time will tell. I feel like I should be able to go to the art director and voice my concerns… but what is the best way to say, "Hey, I think I really dropped the ball on that last assignment, not really sure what happened, sorry about that. Can I get a do over with another assignment and I promise you I won't let you down"? It is that simple? Would it make me look better if it was true… would it make me look like a complete freak job if I was mistaken?

The coup de grace to my recent feelings of failure was a more personal artistic leap. Back in December I tried my hand for the first time at painting traditionally. By the time I was done with my second painting I was feeling really good about how it was going. Recently, I had an assignment come in with a trusted client. I asked permission from my art director to attempt to do the assignment traditionally. I of course assured them I would give myself plenty of time to be able to do the assignment digitally if something went wrong. I got the go ahead and I was extremely excited to get started. Long story short… I crashed and burned. I had everything planned out, knew what I wanted to do with the light and color, I had a detailed drawing to work from, I had all my ducks in a row… and nothing went as planned. The paint fought me every step of the way and I was never able to get it under control. After several days of fighting it I knew I needed to give it up and start again digitally. Working digitally the painting came together extremely quickly and turned out much better then I thought it would digitally, let alone traditionally. The AD was very happy and I was… well, I felt like I failed. Did I bite off more then I could chew? I guess so, though I didn't feel that way at the time I started. Should I let this stand it the way of me making more traditional work? Of course not… though I now feel flustered and unsure how to proceed. I produced a much better piece then I was expecting to, it just came about in a different way then I expected it would, and for that I feel like I failed. I know it might sound silly as a third party observer, but it was/is incredibly frustrating and demoralizing.

What did I do in response to all this (beside freaking out and feeling like I am a failure)? Well, the first thing I did was take a step back. Figuratively and physically. What elements were shared by all these events, what correlations and connections can be drawn, what mitigating factors can be attributed. Well, I was working on all the assignments, so I am a shared element. All four involved me doing something new and or different then the work I am usually focusing on for myself and my clients. I was out of my comfort zone and was learning new things as I was creating. I was working on most of these assignments at the same time or with a lot of overlap with each other. It should also be noted that while this was all going on I was also doing work for one of my steady clients and that work turned out great (IMHO) and it went smoothly and quickly.

Now things are beginning to take shape. I was out of my comfort zone, working on new types of work/assignments and in one case new media and I was experiencing a time crunch. I think I can see where I should have been a little more mindful of the bigger picture - while I was not necessarily taking on more work then I could do, it was new work requiring a lot more revisions and process time. Since all this has passed I have refocused on my core clients and the type of work that I really enjoy and excel at. I think I need to continue to take baby steps with working traditionally, I need to crawl before I can walk. I also need to be very careful when taking on new and different work. I think now that I could have done more to limit my work load and focus on less. This might explain some of what happen, and it could very well not. But the point of this is to learn from the ups and downs and make sure that when the next opportunity comes that I do everything I can to ensure that I am not the weakest link. Only time will tell with what the true fallout from any of these events actually is, but by then there will hopefully be plenty of other opportunities and adventures to over think and get flustered about…

That is all for another Monday on the blog, see you back here on Wednesday! Until then...

For more samples of my work or to contact me regarding my availability head over to my website: www.christopherburdett.com